I don’t remember much. It’s vague now. The memoir just take
birth in my mind. The night was as usual. The night, so beautiful that we ever have in Bhutan, so serene and soothing.
The night held its silence, only I could feel was enticing breeze swapping my
uncovered face. I could hear a couple of dogs hauling down along the street and
the rustling of leaves of big old tree just behind my room. I could see the
twinkle of sky and calmness of moon. With silver lining of cloud already
bygone, sky was crystal clear except few block of cloud. I don’t know what I
was doing there. Alone, lost in thought. The thought that was never clear and vivid.
I never loved solidarity. The night just drove me insane. Through all my life,
I was never entrapped in such a feeling. Feeling that was so strong, energetic,
holistic and ephemeral. It was unusual for me; for I had never plunged into
such feeling before. But one thing, that I was sure was that the feeling was genuine.
I could weigh the intensity of it. Feeling that was even too heavy for my
little heart to hold. i looked all around. It seemed different. I couldn’t
believe my eyes. i rubbed my eyes simultaneously. It almost turned red. i
looked again but it seemed different as I did before. I took three steps more
and looked back. I felt as if I was heading towards the path unknown. The path
that nobody took before. I feared for its bleak end. But before I could take
another step, someone called me. The voice was barely audible. When I turned
back it was my mom reminding me to sleep, as it was already late night. Slowly,
I saunted back to my room. I prostrated to god and closed my eyes for beautiful
dreams. But one that struck my mind was something is going to happen. Something
unpredictable, unimaginable and mysterious yet not too strong to fathom.
I don’t remember who woke me up.I woke first among all. Even
my mom was still on her bed. She was
doing bit of farewell to sleep. My brother on left corner was still snoring
loud. On my right, my niece was still dreaming with her hair gone loose. Strand
of hair covered her cute face partially.
I was staring at all of them. They all appeared so dissolved in their own
world. I rolled my eye balls back to mom. She was chanting prayers. Her eyes
closed and body straight. Through all my life, I had never seen her doing so.
Even there were times, when I thought to myself that she was non believer in
god. She many a times hated being religious. I didn’t continued staring her.
Rather, I quickly moved my eyes away from her. I didn’t want her to notice me. It
took couple of minutes, before I sensed her moving towards door. I remained
silent. I knew she didn’t notice me being awake either. After all, I slept till
mid-day on other days. She returned after five minutes. She flash her look on
all of us.May be it gave her satisfaction of being mother by doing so. “Oh you
woke “, said she. The voice was feeble but was strong in emotion. Ya, ama, I
said in low assuring tone. I felt her love. I lived dawned in her love since my birth. As,
mother is the first girl a son fall in
love with. ”You get ready and I will prepare you breakfast ok”, she said.I
shook my head as gesture of agreement. It didn’t take me more time. I got
ready. Before I could style my hair she came with beak fast. ”Do it fast, cap
will leave at 6.30 am and its already 6.15am”,she said looking at her watch to
confirm.” I got milk for you instead of tea. It’s good to drink milk when you
embark on long journey”, she mumbled with tinge of smile on her face. Yes,
really it seems. I supported her.
I did eat my breakfast at accelerated rate. I had three
small luggage. She helped me reach my luggage to cap station. I checked my
watch. It read 6.27am.Only three minutes for me to leave.She came near to me.
She looked straight to my eyes. I lowered mine to avoid eye contact. “son, you
know..” she started. It’s traditional that elderly give advice on the verge of
leaving. It’s our culture. Culture that came thriving through ages.” You have
big task ahead..”..she continued.” I have faith in you.You can become somebody.
You got that potential.At this juncture, I want to wish you very best of luck in everything you do.God bless
you always.As your mom, I will always be happy to see you being happy and being
successful”. She covered her face in her
palm. She sob with heavy heart.I was unaware what made her sob so heavily.I
looked at driver. He stretches his slim hand to clean rear glass.Then,he starts
the engine.Before,I could say byee ama,she held my hand.She hugged me and
said,” You will meet beautiful partner,because I have prayed for you. So that
she will make you realize you dream.Good luck son”.Thank you ama,I said. I
couldn't control my tears.It rolled down my cheeks.But I tried to be strong and
got inside the bus.No sooner did I enter the bus,then the bus started. With the
heavy heart, I adjusted myself on the seat. I threw quick look on all
passengers. Every one was serious and moody.
Unlimited thinking stirred up in my brain. Now what else, I
thought. I reach my hand on my luggage pocket. I caught hold of my cell and
thought it would end everything going on in my mind. I will listen some songs, I
said to myself. But every songs I had was old one, so I switch over to
facebook. I checked who all are online.There were just few of them.I were not
acquainted with all of them. I lost interest in it too. Suddenly, I saw a new
friend on right hand corner of facebook Page.It says one mutual friend, +Add Friend.i clicked
her name.I would say, she had beautiful name.I checked her photos,as we all
normally do.She had only two photos. One photo blurred too much but other one
clear. She appeared so beautiful.I couldnot help myself downloading her photo.i
felt as if I knew her from past generation. She appeared dazzling. My eye got
glued to her photo. For some time ,I forgot the world. She became my world.The
imagined how she looked in real. How elegant would she look if she were near.I
was even becoming judgemental. I comapared her with beauty queen.But no one
could beat her beauty.
She had her hair tied up into pony tail, with few strands of
it falling on her face. Her eyes was unmatchable. It glowed throwing it
radiance all around. Its luminosity pervades all light. I could see the beauty
of world through her eyes.It was so attractive. It prompted me to the extent of
checking my eyes on the glass. i forget everything.The world outside bore no
meaning for me. The world outside seemed devoid of feeling. I touched her hair
on my phone screen. It appeared so silky, soft and full of fragrance. Then I
move my finger on her lips.i could feel a freshness in it.It appeared as if she
blushed to red with my soothing touch. i could not describe what type of
feeling I developed for her. But I knew I could not get away from her.”hy..what
are you doing Ram”,a voice resounded.I was so engrossed.I felt reluctant to
even move my eyes a bit.But before I could resolve,he came infront and shook
hand.”hi
,,I’m Pema.Infact, we studied together.Friends used to call
me ‘Bull’.We even stayed in same hostel”, he continued with his intro.But I was
least interested in it.I just shook my head to give a lead.he wished me happy
journey and he got seated.I felt happy that he remembered me but nostalgic
feeling grabbed me.
No sooner he got away, I resumed my own tast.i thought for a
while.I put my hand on my left chest.I could sense my heart beating faster. My
brain abnormally heated up. I didn’t know what to do and more importantly what
caused it.I found myself spell bound. I felt entrapped.I felt engrossed with
all my heart. She kindled the feeling of love in my heart.I hesitated even to
look beyond my mobile screen which displayed beautiful picture of her. Knowing
not what to do, I sent her friend request. Every day, I just logged in to see
if she has accepted me.i became dumb founded. In reality I’m brave and
bold.But,I got drunk with the poison of love. Time passed but feeling grew
fonder day after day.I gathered all my courage and wrote a short message to
her. Sometimes, I just logged in to check her photos. Sometimes, I stayed late
going through her pages. Nothing appeared more important than her.She became my
first priority in my daily agenda.
Until now,the day I started my journey has not come to an
end.i feel still I’m travelling on voyage. i’m still longing for her.i have
become prey to her heart.i want to express my feeling to you today.I have
searched you high in the mountain and deep in the valley.I left no stone
unturned in search of you.Now,I feel I found you.A person close to my heart.I
offer you a special place in my heart.I would nurture you in me with my every
heart beat. Every throb of my blood contains your feeling.I have nothing to give
you.I just want to give you my heart, which just beats for you ,always and
forever.i will not promise to solve all your problem myself but I promise I won’t
let you solve it alone.I will always be at your side.I want to be your shadow
and be with you always.I want to be your morning sun and soothing evening
moon.I want to be you heart beat.Infact,I want to be your life.
Now, you heard my message. i want you to weigh my feeling.
My feeling is true and pure. My feeling is unconditional and un subjective. My
feeling is like word craved on rock. With conviction I propose you.i propose
you to accept my love. Because, without you I’m worthless. I promise, I won’t bring
tears on your eyes.I promise I would give all happiness. I promise, I will be
your prince charming now and forever.
I pray you don’t let me down. I pray you not to let my mom’s prayer go unanswered. You
are my mom’s prayer and god gift to me. I love you, I Love you, I love you
GD!!!
